How do I tell when I'm ready to see a therapist?

From Season 1, Episode 5 of Just Ask Kathleen

                         How do I tell when I’m ready to see a therapist?

                         She's ready to see a therapist!

                         As soon as you think "Oh, I wonder if I should see a therapist," see a therapist.

                        What if... Actually it's a twist on that. What if someone is adamant that they don't need to? How do you talk to someone who's like that?

                        If somebody as an individual thinks, "I wonder if I should see a therapist," then definitely they need to see a therapist. If that person is not needing therapy, or has had therapy and thought it was beneficial and sees a family member or a loved one who clearly needs therapy, but is saying "I do not need therapy. I do not need therapy." Then you have to approach that very, very carefully. You have to really be sensitive to the fact that if they're digging their heels in and saying, "I don't want to do it, I don't want to do it." It's probably because they've got so much in their head that they feel they need to deal with, it just feels overwhelming.

                        So if you have somebody who knows somebody else needs therapy, which again is a funny one, isn't it, because we don't ever really know that. We can sort of tell, "Crikey, that person's got a lot on their plate, and they don't look like they're coping. They need support." But we can't go telling people that they need therapy.  But, if you feel you want to support somebody in that way, then it would just be a case of, again... In a calm tone, not when it's at crisis point, but in a very relaxed way saying, "You know, I had this experience when I went to see a therapist, and there were just two or three things I needed to discuss and clear up. And it took a while, but I got there in the end, and I just feel so much lighter, (or healthier, or whatever) as a result. Would you ever consider that?"

                        So just plant the seed first of all. Don't go diving in saying "If anyone needs therapy, you do!". Because it's a very sensitive topic. I think just being really supportive and encouraging, and share your own experience, or an experience of a colleague or friend. It's just about opening up dialogue and letting them see that you're not a freak if you have to go for therapy.

                        It's sometimes almost used as an insult or a slight. People say, "Oh you know, you need therapy," or "That person needs therapy." Like it's a bad thing. Maybe a bit more conversation is needed, about what therapy actually is and what it does., and who it's for. You know, some people would say it's for everyone.

                       Absolutely. I agree with that. And I think culturally we are really behind a lot of other nations and cultures with regards to this. You know, the United States and Canada actually, they're far more open to the idea of seeing a therapist, talking through your problems, moving things on. We're still very much the British with a stiff upper lip. You know, just keep it quiet. Head down. Work hard. Get on with it. Stop moaning. Don't look at me with that grumpy face. Just crack on with it. You know? That's a very stoic, 'British' way of getting through life. I mean, imagine that. Even that expression, you've just got to get through it, get through it. It's like there's no enjoyment there. There's no opportunity for growth.

                        Culturally we're not the best. But I was telling somebody not so long ago that at one point in my weekly calendar, my male clients out-numbered my female ones. So, I had more males than females in one particular week. That had never happened in 15 years of therapy. Men had just one or two here and there, spattered throughout the month. 

                        I had one or two men in my diary over the month, but this was a week where I think there were four men and three women. And I thought, "Wow, there's a change happening in the land of therapy." So it is great to see that talking therapy is now, across the board, much more accepted between men and women. That's a really good thing. But culturally, still we're not quite there yet.

Husband with depression

From Season 1, Episode 4 of Just Ask Kathleen

"I think my husband is suffering with depression. I don't know how to bring it out with him or how to help. He's withdrawing from social situations and doesn't seem to get much pleasure from the things he used to do. I keep trying to talk to him, but I'm worried that if I bring it up, he won't listen or be offended by the suggestion.”

Kathleen:         Okay. Well, well done to her for noticing that he's getting depressed and withdrawing from his normal life, which is not good for her to witness, of course. So clearly, she doesn't feel confident in speaking to him. That's fair enough. I wonder if there's a close friend, or a family member who he would be more able to open up to and listen to. That's sometimes, that's the way we end with partners that they don't want their wife or husband to be nagging them, and they are very resistant to that person because they're the closest person to them to point out any kind of concerns they have about their mental health. So, if it's really impossible to imagine herself, say, "Look, I'm concerned about your mental health. You seem really low, you're not getting any pleasure from what you used to enjoy, you're withdrawing from social events."

                        If she can't do that herself, I would speak to somebody that he's very close to. Sometimes it's even like the grown up son or daughter. I wouldn't burden a child with that, but if they have children and that child is in their 20s or older, and them approaching their dad and saying, "Dad, I'm a bit concerned about you, you're behaving a bit strangely and it's not like you to be so withdrawn. Would you like to speak to your doctor about this? Or would you like to talk to somebody else about it?" Bringing in somebody else, because sometimes for the partner of someone who's depressed, it can be incredibly isolating and feel like quite a burden of responsibility to get it right, to find a way to take this person they love and are worried about, to get help. When someone feels like, "There's no point, he's not going to hear me, he's not going to let me have this conversation with him," then they're completely disarmed and can't get out of that position. I would call in other resources, other people around him that he trusts and will allow to support him.

I think I'm addicted to my phone

From Season 1, Episode 3 of Just Ask Kathleen 

“I think I'm addicted to my phone. I can't stop checking it for messages, notifications and emails. I can possibly check it even whilst I'm doing other things. The only solution I've found is to keep my phone in another room, but that's not practical if my kids want to get a hold of me. I'd love to try something to train myself out of this compulsive behaviour.”

Kathleen: 

Right. That's a good one. Well, when you've got children, it's difficult not to have it somewhere at hand. But you can, most phones have settings on it that, if a particular number calls, then you'll hear it ringing, but you can have it muted to all other calls. So I definitely, I do that through the night. I have my phone switched off, silenced rather. But only if my children rang will it come through. I would say, definitely do that setting. Mark McGuinness, a good friend of mine, he has a podcast. And on that, I can't remember what episode it was, I'm sorry. 21st century creative podcast. He talks about this that, he's very strict about that. In the morning he doesn't look at his phone, he does writing, and he dedicates that time to his writing of poetry and other writing projects that he's doing.

                       

So I think sometimes if we can set aside time where we absolutely know we don't have our phone on us, or even in the room. I think with children, I have to go back to the actual person who's asking the question. Yes, have the phone on, but silenced. And only set to have calls coming through from your children. That's not a problem. But you just don't look at it, put it in a drawer, put it somewhere else. Do something else. There's no point in thinking, I'll not look at my phone and emails and I'll just sit looking at the wall. You'll have to be thinking about doing something else, being productive in another way. You might have it in a zipped pocket on your coat, and go out for a cycle, or a walk, or something. So that you're actually engaged in doing something else rather than just going, I am not going to look at my phone, I'm not going to look at my phone. Because that's never going to work. It's just going to become a bigger monster in your head. So set aside time where you're just not using the phone. Because actually when you do it for five minutes, you can then build to 20 minutes, then half an hour, then an hour. Then suddenly a couple of hours have gone by and you're like, wow, that felt good not to look at my phone. But it's like any kind of habit. We have to... Some people can do cold turkey, but we tend to do it more effectively if we wean ourselves off. So from 10:00 till half past 10:00, put on something on the radio that you're interested in listening to for that half hour, and just have the phone somewhere else. Or be engaged in a physical activity like go for a swim- you can't have your phone in there for half an hour. So you're starting to just bring in other opportunities for more diversity and less strain on your neck, and eyes, and hand, of just looking down at a phone all the time.

Emily: Oh yeah. It made me think of what I do to help myself because I find that if I'm not thinking, actively thinking about not using it, then I can do this as well. Especially when I'm working, and I kind of get a bit distracted and think, Oh, have a break from that and look at my phone. But what I've tried to do sometimes that seems to work is, if I'm working, and I get a compulsion to look at my phone, or if there's an excuse to look at my phone for example, if I think, Oh I need to text that person, I need to email that person, then I make a list of things I'm going to do when I use my phone.

Kathleen: Oh that's good.

Emily: Yeah. Kind of put those thoughts down, not completely forgetting them because I kind of get worried that I'm going to forget the list that's in my head. So if I think of things then I can say, Oh, when I'm in that time where I'm going to look at my phone, I can do those things. And it kind of allows me to stop worrying about those items. And I was wondering if you had any experience just kind of using mindfulness.

Kathleen: Yeah. I think we do need to really pay attention to how much time we spend staring at this device. Because, I mean I know everybody doesn't live in beautiful rural surroundings. I am well aware of that, and the audience is varied and stuff. But there is still beauty wherever you live, or things that are fascinating to look at. And we can all look up and look at the sky. No matter where we live we can still see the sky, and the clouds, and the sunshine. We need to find ways to be mindful of what is actually happening around us, not on our device so that our mindfulness stops. I don't actually use mindfulness apps. I have a timer that I use on my phone for when I meditate, an insight timer. But I don't actually use mindfulness apps. Although there are plenty around that people do tell me about, that they enjoy using.

I slightly feel it's counterproductive, but I think for people in cities and stuff on the commute fair play, that's fine. Use these ones because I think that's a good way to stay connected to their own body and not be distracted by, maybe the process of getting on the underground and traveling somewhere in a busy, busy day it's not the most pleasant experience. But for me, it's about acknowledging that, phones are useful, we need them as an essential part of our life now. But we are also human beings who need not to be using these devices in order to be well.

I would also recommend, although they're useful for taking photographs, that when you go for a walk, to just not use it. Try and walk and don't have your phone, don't use your device. If you've got a little camera, take a camera with you. If you're going to use your phone for taking photographs, have everything else switched off. Try not to be distracted all the time by it. Just switching off, muting it, having it only set for your loved ones, but being mindful when you're doing something that's not involving a phone. Put it away, take it aside, keep it real.